Post by DeDe on Sept 7, 2011 6:35:53 GMT -5
This forum just needed this oldie... LOL
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when
they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin'
Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #
3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&!
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to
report).
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when
they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin'
Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #
3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&!
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to
report).
